Sunday, December 16, 2012

10 Things I Hate About Movies - Part 1.

I originally intended to do all this in one post, but after I got to number 4 it was just too long. So I'm doing one a week, updating every Sunday, just to do it.

I kinda hate top10 lists, but what the hell.

I watch a lot of movie, I mean A LOT, mostly horror and odder fair though. I work at home and end up spending a lot of the time while I'm working watching movies - some I pay attention to more than others depending on how crappy they are. After a fashion I started seeing trends, sometimes just single, amazingly bad instances of sloppy, shitty film making.

One of the worst offenders for making stupid, lazy, unimaginative movies have to be a production company called The Asylum, from what I've seen most of their stuff ends up on the SyFy channel. They recently shat out another turd called Age of the Hobbits which right now is being tied up in court. They claim it has nothing to do with The Hobbit, even though it was intended to be released 3 days before the other. The fact they pretty much make nothing but ripoffs and repetitive killer mutant animal movies is one thing, but they thing is they really don't seem to give a shit about making movies.

I like bad movies, in fact I love bad movies - but theirs are so bad it's actually made me appreciate Uwe Boll as a film maker and actually enjoy Bloodrayne the 2nd time around. It's not hard to make a good, fun bad movie, for them however it just seems impossible. Their track record for shitty to decent movies so far is about 2-50 and even then it was just an okay movie because it didn't totally suck, it was just pretty unoffensive. I only vague remember the name, might've been A Haunting in Salem and the other, and I might actually be wrong about this being one of their movies, was called Mammoth.

So right you might ask, why the hell do I think my opinion is so important to call out shitty film making - because it's my opinion, that's why. If you don't like it or agree with me so far, keep reading. While I'm not going to call out their movies specifically, because I've seen others do the same lame-assed mistakes, I felt like compiling a list of things I see in movies that just ruin them in some way.

1. Stupidity progressing the plot.

This happens even in A-List movies and it annoys the shit out me. While it's also a little subjective, there are some instances where a character's actions are just so mind-blowingly dumb that you can't just sit and ignore it. Sure there are dumb people who do dumb things in the real world, but in a movie it feels more like lazy writing in order to progress the plot. It's like the writers wrote themselves into a corner and could find no other way out than to have one of their characters (in the worst cases a previously somewhat intelligent character) do something completely stupid so they can keep going.

You can say, "Well, there wouldn't be much of a movie if that didn't happen" but you're only making my point for me. In these cases, there isn't much a movie to begin with - the stupidity just keeps it going longer than it should.

It's lazy writing, no other excuse. If you write something you can't handle, then you're doing it wrong or you're just a shitty writer with all the imagination of one of the morons in your script. Stop doing it.

Now, there are rare cases where someone doing something stupid is actually the point and part of the plot - that's where it gets kind of subjective, but you can usually tell the difference even if you're only half-assed paying attention. I wish I could think of a example right now, but I can't - unless you want to cite Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil as something like that, the stupid thing in this case is the "college kids" constantly mistaking Tucker and Dale as the villains. But that's kind of a weak example as it's literally the whole plot - and an awesome move.


  1. Anonymous8:21 PM

    Well I enjoyed reading this & will be back to read more - when you write more.
    Kim B

  2. For many films I have seen both minor AND major, I would have to agree with you on your first point and post. I will, though, be genuinely curious to see your thoughts on what is now known as Clash of the Empires to see informed thoughts on the movie vs. the media response to the title. Believe it or not, there are SOME filmmakers who do try hard to make a decent entertainment within the bounds of what they are given to work with... low budgets, short schedules, brutal post periods. If we fail, it is not for lack of trying and willingness to attempt better than the circumstances usually allow. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we do not. Hopefully, we learn to do better through informed, honest and constructive critique. I hope you'll be willing to give the film a try on those (admittedly slim) merits alone. Joseph J. Lawson (And I do genuinely look forward to the remainder of your list... "you.. go... RIGHTON... quotingStarfleetregulations..." ;-) )