Tuesday, June 12, 2007

An almost totally random post

It's funny, after my last post and that little rant at the end about why I do this, I started thinking what if someone serioulsy asked me "Why do you make movies?"

Honestly, I have no aspirations to end up being an assistant Dirtector to Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson. Or even working for a major studio doing another remake of some crappy 80's sitcom - like either of these things would ever happen anyway. I don't want to end up doing commercials for haircare products. And as far as the computer animation side of it all, I don't want to work for Pixar, or do special effects for the next Harry Potter movie. I have no end goal for this in mind at all.

If you really start to think about everything I just noted that are the exact reasons I'm not doing this for, you'll see most of them involve me working for someone else. Not that I even have issue with that, it's not a matter of I need to be in control of the project. And I have no pretentious art-fag need to "have my voice heard", if you've seen anything I've done not a one has the feel of my "trying to say something" with my movies. Or even as lame as exploring my -insert current topical emotional issue here-.

So what is it? You know, I figured it out finally. Because it's not the end that I like the most. It's not "Oh, the movie's over, I can't wait to show everyone so they can all bathe in my awesomeness". I kinda hate that part. I'm mean, it's cool when someone sees it and they like it - but I really don't give a shit if they think it sucks.

It's the making of it. Not really the writing of it, although it's kinda fun, but isolating. It's the making of a movie that I like. And this is what I think it boils down to: It's like I'm still about 8 years old somewhere in my head. The toys and shit I play with have just gotten way more elaborate and the little make believe stuff just got way out of hand. So I call up my friends to come over and play, and pretend we're fighting evil and shit, and I justify it by filming it and putting it all together to make a story.

It's cool to watch it all once it's done. But remember, I've seen every shot, heard every line of dialog, sound effects and music a million times while I'm putting it together, so there's no real moment of sitting back and being overwhelmed at how it all came out. I can see how it's going to come out long before I see it all finished in the end. The end is more of a relief then a high point in some ways.

It's odd that my reaction to "Oh you make movies, that must be fun" is that "No, it's not always fun", when I just realized this is just a grown up way of playing make believe. I guess that's all movies are anyway in the end. I think this is probably why I hate "thought provoking" movies or movies about crippled children, or things that make you feel bad about not recycling enough - that's not fun. A little lame and childish perhaps, but that's it.

I have fun making my friends play dress up, and then whack each other with swords. Or get blown up in cars. Or curse at each other alot before they rob banks. Or fight evil alien robots from space. Or replace a shipment of coffee beans with a severed head. Or see what happens when the Grim Reaper loses his job. No real artsy-fartsy motive here, that's for sure.

It's hard work to have this much fun, but god-dammit it's just fun sometimes and we'll leave it at that.

And now a little FAQ on movie making in case I didn't make my point clear enough. (This is meant to be funny, if you take offense easily, don't read it. If you think it's about you, you might be right - in which case - please, take the hint.)

You're a filmmaker? Have I seen anything you've done?

Do you live on PEI? Have you been to any of the Reel Island Film Festivals?


Then probably not.

You make movies? Really?

Why is that so hard to believe? I never said I was Steven Spielberg. I make crappy, weird, little low budget movies - therefore I do believe I am allowed to say, "I am a filmmaker".

Do you enjoy making movies?

Pretty much.

Do you want a job doing it?

Don't care.

Will you do a bunch of special effects for my movie for free?

Are you retarded?

Will you buy my script?

That answers my last question at least.

I think you should -insert some stupid idea here- .

Where'd I put my hammer?

Is Natalie Portman hot?

Yes. You shouldn't have to ask me that, that's a given.

You could work for Pixar or something, your animation is awesome.

Not really a question, but thanks. In all honesty, I'd be laughed at if I went to Pixar with my stuff, but thanks anyway.

Are you going to make more movies?

I don't know, and right now, I don't care and I don't have time. I need to start acting all grown up and make money - if the two coincide, we'll see.

Hey, if you ever need any help...

Not to be rude, I can't tell you how many times I've heard this. And I've lost count how many times people who volunteer in this fashion never show up.

All your movies have aliens and are science fiction right?

No, the 2 or 3 you saw out of 30 did. Quit bothering me and fling yourself off a building please. I HATE science fiction, generally speaking.

Are you going to do a sequel to...?

Probably not.

You should call -insert some random person's name here- they'd be awesome in one of your movies. You should cast them.

Here's an idea, you think they're so awesome, you make a movie starring them.

You should show your movies at/on -insert wherever here-.

Since you're so concerned about my movies being shown, why don't you shutup and pony up the cash and time to distribute it for me since you seem to think it's so easy.

Wow, you're hostile, I was just trying to help.

Yeah, nice defense. If you really want to help, like I said, pony up the cash and time to distribute it for me since you seem to think it's so easy. I mean really, do you think I'm that mentally challenged that I've never considered this kind before? Or that you're so brilliant? Do you have any idea how annoying this conversation becomes after the 10 thousandth time? Next question.

I was just trying to help.

I had that hammer just a second ago...

Where do your ideas come from?

My head, more specifically a mass of tissue residing in my head that also tells me when I'm hungry and when I should go to the bathroom. I have no idea really where this stuff comes from.

Would you ever make a movie with Natalie Portman?

Yes, but you'd never see it.

What does that mean?

What do you think?

Hey, I have this idea for a movie...

Oh really? Well, that's nice and all, but so does everyone else. Can we talk about something else other then movies sometimes?

(10 minutes later after hearing about aforementioned movie idea.)

Um...yeah, sounds cool. Hey, I gotta go make a sissy, be right back...Really, I'll be right back.

I didn't like your movie.

Did you pay to see it?


You get what you pay for then.

But I paid for it, and I didn't like it.

Yeah, and how much did you pay? Before you answer, remember, you get what you pay for.

Can I get a copy of all your movies?

Were you in it?


There's your answer.

Would you ever get a tattoo of Natalie Portman, you seem to like her.

No, that's a one way ticket to Creepy Town, kid.

It'd be cool if you did -insert random/strange idea here- in one of your movies.

Yeah, I'll write a whole story based around that idea, just so you can see it. I'm not doing anything else anyway.

Do you make money off your movies?

Of course, haven't you noticed my Mercedes and my huge mansion? Really, if I'm lucky, I can feed my cats for a week off what I've made making movies.

Then why do you do it?

You really haven't been paying attention, have you?

What do you mean?

Ah, there's my hammer.

That's it. If you have any questions or concerns regarding this FAQ and it's apparent sarcastic bitterness, please email me at: doilooklikeicare@areyoustilltalking.com

I have no idea why I wrote all this. Just seemed like something to do in between other things. I hope to get around to taking a look at the Bile Demon scene footage soon and posting some stills.

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